Goodbye
by ayell
Summary: Draco has left Harry for Ron. Harry doesn't understand, so he takes it out, of course, on a piece of paper.


A/N: Hello! Don't worry I'm not dead. :) I'm just confused over what happens next in Just Because It's Wednesday. The title's so long… Let's make an acronym for it! How about… JBW? Yeah, that's okay. Yeah, still confused about JBW. So I wrote this, and I wrote two drabbles! Hurrah!

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Goodbye

_Here… Here I am again_

_And I'm staring at the same four walls_

_Alone again_

It's so sad.

I hate myself for it.

For you. For me. For everything.

I don't know how it happened, and I can't say I'm sorry you did it. That's not my job, you know. It was never my job to pick up after you. To give you things you didn't ask for. To shower you with love, and not care if it wasn't reciprocated or if I got hurt in the process.

But I still did it.

All for you.

I don't know. I guess it wasn't worth it. Everything I gave.

Was it something I did? Something I said?

Or something I didn't?

Was it me who was the problem?

I'm not sure.

Not sure if it was something to do with me.

Or if I'll ever find out at all.

But I don't regret it. I don't regret giving you all that. I'll never regret it. I loved you. You know that. And I'm not sure if I _loved _you or if I _love_ you still. I'm torn.

You left me alone.

And the pathetic thing is, it's not that which hurts most.

But it's actually got nothing to do with you. The thing that hurts most was the matter with me.

I could have stopped it.

I could have done something.

But I didn't.

And I regret that.

But then maybe it wasn't really my fault. Maybe I'm just blaming myself because I want to convince myself that you didn't leave me willingly. That _I _caused it. So that it won't hurt.

But I know that if I do that, I hurt you. And so I'm really confused and it's just a really big paradox and I don't know what to do or who to blame or who to trust anymore.

I just can't believe it.

It's constant, this room. I've been here since forever. And I was with it through my pleasures, mainly with you, and my pain.

But I've never felt pain like this.

It's searing in bones, it's infected my blood, it's rushing through my head and heading into my heart. I hate it. I hate that _you _caused it.

I hate it that you caused it. I hate it that you _don't know _you caused it. And I hate it that I can't do anything about it but just wait.

And so I'm here again.

To where I started.

I'll just wait. That's all I've done, and all I'll ever do.

And to tell you the truth, I'm sick of it.

_And now… All the colors blend_

_And I'm growing up and I've become_

_This empty thing_

I'm sick of you. And what you're doing.

I'm sick of what you did. And with whom you did it.

I trusted you. You and the person who ran away with you. I trusted you both. With my life. I loved you both dearly. I can't make myself face the irony that you'd both cause all this pain.

But I guess that's why it hurts so much.

Because I trusted you.

Now the person I hated for seven years, and the person I've trusted for all my life, have both proven themselves worthy of my hate (now it's flooding back in) and distrust. You certainly have blurred the line between…

Between… I don't know really.

I just… I loved you both. And you've turned against me. Can you imagine how hard this is for me? No, I guess you can't.

After all, you didn't have your bestfriend eloping with your lover, did you?

I thought so.

But I've learned my lesson. I know now why lots of people hate and stay away from love. Why they avoid it, why they don't touch it, or go near it, as if it will kill them if they do.

It probably will.

Because it most certainly is killing me.

I don't know what I feel. I still love you both, and yet I hate you both.

It's like… all this really good and wonderful things you've done pile up on one another and it makes me guilty to hate you. But, actually, everything good you did seems so small compared to the one bad thing you've done. It's like my whole life, it's just all good, and I know I should've seen this coming. But who has, really? It's not like I _knew_ you were going to do what you did. I just… I don't know. I always feel this weird sinking feeling whenever I think about what happened. Which is practically every second of every day.

Why did you do it? Why? What made you do it? What pointed you to the direction of the path you took? What triggered it?

I don't know. I just really don't know. And you're probably sick of me for saying it.

Did you even _think_ of the hurt it caused me? I guess not. You just RAN. Like the stupid, pathetic, delinquent, ignorant, arrogant, stuck up, moronic, insensitive pieces of shit you really are. No reasons. No explanation. Not even a short note on a post-it. No hints. Nothing. You just LEFT. And I hate you for it.

You don't know what I'm going through. I might sound selfish, but, really, you would want to voice everything you're feeling if you'd've been put in my place. Every day Hermione knocks on my door. She should run off with Snape. For all I know, she's already having an affair with him. How weird is that? Draco's mentor and Ron's other bestfriend?

Everyday she charges down the hall to my door and knocks. She just knocks. She wails, "Harry! I know you're in there!" As if I had anywhere else to go. She follows it up with, "Harry, _please_, talk to me! What's on your mind? I'm so sorry they did that. I have no idea why they did it. It was really stupid of them. And tactless. Please, Harry! I'm here for you."

What's on my mind?

Does she really want to know? I'll tell her what's on my mind.

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH._

That's what's on my mind.

And every piece of me is falling. I know it was really stupid. I know it was tactless. I know she's there. But she's not you. She's not any of you. She's… Hermione.

Hermione just doesn't live in the same world as I do.

She's always sensible. She's ever the smart, logical Hermione that she is. She's lives in a world where if things don't fall into the place she wants them to go to, she FORCES them there. She lives in her idealistic world where everything is black and white. And you were always supposed to be on the same page as her. And if you weren't, tough luck.

What Hermione does is never really out of love.

She does what she does because it's _right_. Because it makes _sense_. I don't live like that.

_Hold on, it's tragic_

_Stumbling through all this static_

Should I just put it all away? Make it into white noise? Ignore everything you told me years and years ago?

I still remember them you know… You made me feel as if being hated by you was still better than being loved by anyone else. As if it didn't matter if the sky was green and grass was blue, all that mattered was there you were there. As if I flipped. I'd never be the same again.

And I _knew_… Draco, I KNEW.

I knew that you were the only person who could make me beg for his touch, you were the only person who made me feel safe just a whisper or a hug or a kiss, you were the only person who was always there, until, of course, when you left. And then you weren't.

I tried to ignore our last days together. The signs, the hints.

How we would only say "Pass the a salt" during dinner instead of everything and anything. How your kiss on my cheek before you left every morning was getting stiffer, with less emotion, and less warmth than it had before. That instead of spooning up with me when it was cold, you'd hog the blanket. That instead of watching and nuzzling under the stars at night, you'd coincidentally have somewhere to go. That instead of smiling at me after I kissed you, you'd just… nod.

That hurt.

That really, _really _hurt.

Now all the voices in my head is turning into noise… I just want the noise to disappear. 'I love you' and 'I'll be there for you' and 'What's wrong?' all turning into a mixed up tornado of confusion and it's just NOISE.

And I hate noise.

I want to get rid of it.

Now I'm sure. Now I know.

I'm sorry, but I hate you.

Right now my eyes are brimming up with tears and I don't know anymore.

I guess that's all I'll ever know. I don't know.

I miss you.

Everything about you.

But I hate you.

I can't ever forgive you.

I loved you, Draco. I can only hope I didn't waste my time.

I guess all I can do now is say goodbye.

Goodbye.

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Post A/N: Didja like it? Lyrics were based on Ashlee Simpson's Love Makes The World Go Round. :) Hehe. Sorry if it was angsty, or if there were any typos or grammar errors. It's unbeta-ed. Oh yeah, I'm looking for a beta. :) Lol. If you're interested, please e-mail at JBW soon. :) PLEASE REVIEW, AYT:)


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